Thursday, September 27, 2007

Mortifications of the Flesh: Dieting By Mail II

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I find myself harboring a vegetable bin full of imported bottled beer, a bunch of cookies, and a far too tempting assortment of delicacies from Sahadi's. The only way to stop myself from doing something I'll regret is to remind myself of what I went through on Diet-To-Go.

Some of the more the more sensitive-stomached among you argued strongly that I should give it up after that odious Cioppino Seafood Medley, but I was not only determined to see it through, I promised that I'd drag all of you down with me. Welcome to hell.

I can't express how pampered I felt when I saw that the anonymous Diet-To-Go worker who prepared my turkey sandwich had apparently gone to the trouble of lowering her ass on it before flash freezing it. That's the sort of attention to detail Diet-To-Go prides itself on. They're too modest though! They shouldn't call it Turkey Sandwich! They should call it Ass Panini!

Look at that. The last time I saw that, I was kneeling on the bathroom floor, holding my hair back, and there was no broccoli.

That broccoli was like eating a goddamn dowel, its stalk ends were so woody. My children had been served broccoli that night too, tender, non-shitty broccoli that had never been inside of a freezer or a UPS truck. Rather than appreciate her comparative good fortune, Inky tried every trick in the book to get out of eating her portion. Milo ate his without complaint, but also made a point of screaming that my dinner smelled disgusting.

Which yeah, it did, but, really, the visuals were so much more repellent. That belongs in a toilet bowl, not my good china from Target!

That yellow mess is "creamy polenta", and given that there's no attempt to divide the various components of the frozen entree-n'-sidedish brick, it ended up being more of a creamed corn sauce. I was so demoralized that I thought I loved it maybe a little bit.

Also, I was pissed because I had misread 'snapper' as 'salmon' and when I saw that firm, white, and definitely far from fresh flesh, I felt like I'd been had not once but twice! The first time was when I signed up and the second time was up the heiner with no grease. Everyone knows salmon isn't white. Even, as it turns out, the fine folks at Diet-to-Go.

Ah, now here's some salmon, in burger form. Anything that shitty should really come with a Happy Meal type toy. That way you'll have something to play with in the hospital, other than the tube in your stomach. Assuming you don't die in the ambulance, that is.

On a related note, how much did I pay to have that can of V-8 overnight air freighted? I was so mad, I nearly substituted a tall glass of complimentary New York City tap water. I was all like, "I'll show them! I'm not going to eat their stupid chips. What kind of nutrition expert puts potato chips in a diet meal? I'll pack them in Milo's lunchbox to show my contempt."

Except that while these vengeful thoughts were taking shape, I accidentally managed to eat them all. I didn't realize what I was doing until they were all gone.

Has anybody else seen Shortbus? I loved everything about that movie, but one of the things I loved most was the way the decadent, deep-as-a-dingleberry model boy was shown breaking tiny shards of a single potato chip and eating those as casually as the rest of the general populace horks down our great honking fistfuls .

I know you're getting stomach cramps, so I'll take it out on a high note. It looks like French Toast, but it's really turkey-ham (I'm beginning to suspect Diet-to-Go is a front for the American Turkey Lobby) and cheese. I'm so ashamed that I'd never realized the nutritional value of processed American cheese. It's like celery, apparently. It actually takes more calories to burn than it contains. Were you aware of it? Neither was I.

Tell, you what, though, that apricot pudding wasn't the worst thing in the world. If I was going to sign up for another week of this hell, I'd request that they substitute extra helpings of that for everything else they were planning to send me. And then I'd eat it all in one sitting.

Can you stand one more round? Because the finale was really gnarly. Stay tuned.

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(UPDATE - the original title of this post has been changed at the increasingly desperate requests of the fine folks at Diet 2 Go, who didn't want the nasty opinion of some blog-on-ice to be the second thing search engines reached for when telling potential customers about their services. No key money (or thank Christ, Key Food) changed hands, and since they weren't asking me to alter the content, I figured I could be a sport.)


Blogger Karianne said...

I'd rather be fat, but since I'm laughing so hard at your descriptions, I'm actually doing a cardio workout on the computer. Sorry you paid for that, in more ways than money.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for reminding me why I do not diet! I couldn't do it. Taht is an abomination to food.

5:44 AM  
Blogger Rebeca said...

Like Karianne, I'm getting a great workout laughing here, thanks! Burning extra calories writing this comment too, because my "K" key keeps flying off the keyboard and I have to put it back every time I want to type a K.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nooo make it stop!

Actually I have a little bit of a morbid fascination as to how this will all be resolved.

Will Ayun come to her senses and relieve that vegetable bin of its contents? Or will she succumb to the 'food' in the diet from Hell?

1:34 PM  
Blogger Ayun Halliday said...

oh my, that reminds me of the Y key in Croatia. Wherever it was, it wasn't where I"ve been typing it for the last 3 decades, here in the us of a. Not that there's anything wrong with cultural differences!!! It was just a major pain in the heinola for someone who shoehorned a y into the name her parents gave her.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Deb Rox said...

Geez, those companies make a fortune praying on busy women who just want something to go well while they are TRYING, fer chrissakes. I say lets hang out at Lane Bryant and get together a gang to give them some Ass PANINI.

I recently wrote about Shortbus, too--and they way it has ruined yoga for me forever!

2:30 PM  
Blogger Trula said...

I can why you'd lose weight using Diet to Go, that food looks so gross!

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just one word -


7:13 PM  
Blogger weight loss said...

Those pictures are pretty sobering, thank goodness Diet-To-Go franchises have not hit us up here in the north east!

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That has to be one of the funniest food posts ever! You are spot on !

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been on Diet-to-Go for awhile now, but I do the pickup method. The food has been tasty and just fine. I substitute the few meals I don't like (anything with brussel sprouts). I do only the breakfast/lunch routine, as I'm stuck at work through both of those mealtimes. I'm spending less on DTG than I was at Starbucks & eating take-out from local restaurants. Maybe it's the freeze/ship meals that are nasty???

12:51 PM  
Blogger The Spicers said...

That's some truly unsettling food!

4:05 PM  

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