Thursday, March 15, 2007

Grateful Coconut Pork

Holy fucking cranberries, Batman! I just sort of assumed nobody was reading this rag, because I never got any comments. I must confess, it monkeyed with my momentum, especially lately – my gentleman friend’s been in Alaska and we’re scrambling to get our heiners to Budapest in two weeks, without leaving anything essential un-turned in, un-packed, un-paid, and/or un-purchased.

Last night, I got around to setting up a blog upon which the kids can chronicle their upcoming Balkan adventures and lo and behold, I see something I never noticed before, a little dingbat that implied I had hundreds of comments awaiting approval. Say what? It was like finding one of those bushels of undelivered mail that were discovered in 1990’s Chicago, tucked beneath postmen’s porches and burning in wooded backlots! Most of my admirers wanted me to introduce me to hot underage sluts or improve my penile performance (I’ve been making do with what the good lord gave me…), but a few of the comments implied that a small portion of my fellow Americans are breaking out the fish sauce and taking these recipes for a test drive!

So, thank you! Thank you all! I’m sorry I never responded to your kind wishes on my blog tour and nice words on the book and queries as to whether it’s acceptable to peanut butter for peanut oil! I didn’t know! I’ll never let you languish like that again!!! (Unless I spend another year forgetting my log-in name and password…)

Brothers and sisters, I feel the spirit of momentum a-buildin’ again, especially since Greg’s taken it upon himself to fix dinner on those rare Wednesday nights when he’s not in Alaska. (He leaves for Pittsburgh on Sunday. It’s okay. He packs well under pressure. Wait, no, he doesn’t! When Uncle Stephen and I showed up at his studio apartment in 1992, to help him haul his worldly possessions into the one-bedroom lovenest in which we would live in sin (which suited Jambo just fine), he was sitting on his unmade bed, eating cereal and reading the newspaper! He hadn’t even unscrewed the dang futon frame…)

Wait, the momentum, it’s building again! Your momentum, I mean. Drop that take-out menu! Homemade coconut pork’s what's in the stars for you tonight, baby.

Coconut Pork
Since the butcher’s still giving you the hero’s welcome he accords all lapsed vegetarians, might as well toddle over and tell him to slice you up a pound of pork tenderloin. Tell him you like it thin, so he won’t get any ideas. (If he himself is thin, cart it home to slice yourself.)

Mince four cloves of garlic! Come on! Small and wild! Get all Benihana on it!

Now without slicing your thumb, or starting a fire, slice a thumb-sized hunk of ginger into matchsticks.

Cast the contents of your cutting board across the 2 tablespoons of oil you’ve set to sizzling in the wok. Fling 3 dried chili peppers in after, the little Thai kind if you’ve got ‘em, though their been-sitting-on-the-shelf -so-long-you-could-rub-em-on-your-eyeballs-if-you-wanted-to Mexican cousins will certainly do in a pinch.

I know, seems like only yesterday you were heating the oil and already it’s time to throw the pork in there too. If you wanted a rest, you should have applied for a job at that Kentucky Fried Chicken in the West Village.

Stir-fry the pork until it turns white or some other shade of cooked.

Add 1 teaspoon of salt
4 teaspoons of sugar
and 1 teaspoon of soy sauce.
(By the way, I recently wrote the good people at Kamada International to tell them how much I love their Dashi soy, how I pimp it all over the blog and even mentioned their website in my recently published book, thinking they’d email back something to the effect of, “You know the two cases you just ordered to the tune of nearly forty bucks? It’s on the house.” Instead, I got a little message telling me that they appreciate customer feedback! Like I don’t know that feeling! You think they’d at least slip me a bumper sticker or something…)

Now add a can of coconut milk. Not that suntan-lotion flavored cartilage they make Mai Tais out of! You know better than that. Actually, that would probably taste pretty good in a Hawaiian Tropic, Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale, Paris Hilton kind of way.

Snap yourself out of it with some single-malt Scotch while the pork simmers for twenty minutes.


Serve it over rice, with some sliced mango which makes it look less like something you’d feed the dog and more like something you’d want to comment on before you’ve even tasted it!

I don’t know how much more I’ll be posting in the next six weeks, but if you haven’t already, why not subscribe to my Dirty Feed there, so you won’t miss a single opportunity to comment ? And while you’re at it, hop on over to Whogoslavia, and subscribe to that too. You know how kids get a bang out of comments, especially when their parents are dragging them around Bosnia and such.


Blogger Rachel Rae said...

I feel bad! I found out about you in Bitch magazaine, and I read your blog all the time and never comment. I like the recipes, the Borscht on Turmeric Color Scheme, and your attitude. The links to innovative food blogs are also nice. Keep blogging, please!

11:58 AM  
Blogger Karianne said...

I was wondering why there weren't any comments either, especially when I was leaving them at the beginning.

But, I didn't stop reading because of it. I love it over here!

1:58 PM  
Blogger Ayun Halliday said...

Bless you, you beautiful creatures. One step closer to world domination...

2:03 PM  
Blogger tut-tut said...

Well, what coconut milk doesn't taste like suntan lotion?? Let me know, because we're out of the loop, curry-wise.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Ayun Halliday said...

beats me, tut-tut, but why don't you dump some Bain-de-Soliel in there and let me know how it works out?

5:17 PM  
Blogger Magpie Ima said...

I couldn't figure out why comments weren't showing up but I'm glad things are resolved. Happy traveling--can't wait to hear about it!

7:51 PM  
Blogger Lynne said...

So NOW you notice us.... I hope this means you'll be posting more. Fish-sauce caramel has changed my life.

6:46 AM  
Blogger sara said...

Hi Ayun! You commented on my travel blog back in December after I took a crazy African bus ride! I enjoy the food writing - I read your job hopper book too (I think I recognize some of those places in Chicago!) Anyhow, enjoy the Balkans with your kids.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your next trip results in a No Touch Monkey 2, then Godspeed! I can't wait to read all about it. That book (and your others although I haven't read the latest one yet) made me fall off the bed laughing. I love and read your blog regularly. Keep up the good words!

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

I too heard about you through Bitch but hesitated to comment because it just didn't seem to be done. Thrilled that everything's in working order. I love this blog and insist on cooking for my wary Midwestern family. Please keep it coming!

1:06 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Hey Ayun... love the food blog and love the "untouched by food-grade wax" quality photos even more. FINALLY someone who shows you what it will REALLY end up looking like.
Oh- and I've been meaning to share these hilarious recipe cards with you for a while but have been a little shy just in case you've already seen them...

6:17 PM  
Blogger Ayun Halliday said...

Oh, I am feel-feel-feeling the comment love!

And Kat, thank you for giving me an eyeful of those horrible, wonderful recipe cards. They're published in a wonderful book, The Amazing Mackerel Pudding Plan, whose author, Wendy McClure, was kind enough to blurb Dirty Sugar Cookies!

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

Grateful Coconut Pork was a huge hit! But next time I will double it, because I'm already longing for the nonexistent leftovers.

6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good golly woman, I knew there had to be something comments *pfft*

I've read all your books twice! I've given them as gifts! I link you in my blogroll!

I could not have possibly been the only one. Glad you got it all figured out :)

1:18 PM  
Anonymous midenka said...

yes yes guilt all the way across the country - i completely look forward to your blog entries, i have told other people to look..... here in Portland there just aren't actually a lot of parents around, your kids are about the same age as mine.... your blog is a total gift i just never said thanks

6:32 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Wanted to stop in and say thanks for leaving a comment in my blog. I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you!

I would love to make this recipe but my non-pig eating husband (except at IHOP for some reason) would never eat it.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous annieknodes said...

And all this time I was thinking you didn't WANT comments. I thought maybe someone was really mean and you decided to keep the negative energy away or something like that.

Oh, and I have a case of Dashi Soy because of your book. I even wrote an entry about it.

Yummy looking dinner. I'm going to try this pork tomorrow night, I tell ya!

8:30 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Motley said...

I too thought you didn't want comments - I wrote one way back last year and it never showed up. Then I realized you never had comments, and they must be turned off. "Wow, fame has gone to her head. I remember when we were on hipMama together, back in the day, and she posted right along with everybody else. She wasn't too good for us then!" Such was my paranoid, bitchy thinking. Ha!

Popping in today because my EVI arrived in the mail this afternoon - yay!! Its arrival always makes me do a little dance!

3:54 PM  
Blogger Kathryn said...

This was excellent! Serving suggestion: baked yams with lime and honey. The tartness of the citrus and the sweetness of the yams really go well with the coconut--plus the bright orange does a great job of festivizing the plate.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Kathryn said...

Delicious! I served it with baked yams with lime and honey.

12:22 PM  
Blogger nuttnbunny said...

Yes, been lurking.

Visit frequently and happily.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

Here's a little customer feedback for you: I'm damn glad you figured out the comment approval feature...I kept thinking, "Surely, Ayun's blog can't be the best-last-best undiscovered blog on the Web? Oh,and where the hell have my comments gone, when I, the lone reader of this thing, leave them?"


10:08 PM  

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