Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Monkfish McNuggets / Black Bottom Pumpkin Pie

I know it’s been a while since I hollered at you. I’ve had a pumpkin pie dogging me since the day before Thanksgiving, when I figured, “Hell, woman, you think these people be hurting for your pie recipe now? Them forward thinkers been pied up since Martha Stewart started polishing her ceramic turkey-shaped place card holders, mid-October. Besides, don’t you have something better to do than type out the back of the Libby’s canned pumpkin can with the minor addition of some bittersweet chips? You can't declare a new Malibu Stacy when all she's got is a new hat!”

And if an extra-guilty pumpkin pie hanging over my head and clogging up the works isn’t enough, I’ve been struggling to pump out a novel in a windowless basement, a task that’s going so well, I spent all of last Friday watching a skip-prone DVD of The Wire, praying that Greg wouldn’t arrive home unexpectedly to discover my shameful secret. (My newfound allegiance to The Wire may explain the attempt to tap into some street lingo a la your average HBO drug dealer...)

Sounds like an ideal time to indulge in some fast food.

Monkfish McNuggets

Purchase a couple of orders of Chicken McNuggets, carefully trace their outlines, scan this pattern into your home computer and print several copies of the template onto sturdy cardstock. (Hint: Look for festive holiday colors!) Reserve one of the templates for cutting your monkfish filets to regulation size. Customize the others using scallop-edged craft scissors, rubber stamps, and photographs from your summer vacation, and use them as gift tags for the home-baked goodies you’ve wrapped in raffia and bright dishtowels as seasonal surprises for neighbors, teachers, personal assistants, and other “helpers”.

Or, skip that step, and hack a half pound of the world’s most unsightly fish (poor man’s lobster!) into morsels of iconic size.

Dump them in a bowl with a tablespoon of olive oil, a tablespoon of melted butter and a fistful of bread crumbs. Give it a preliminary stir and then…

Chop up a couple of cloves of garlic and a quarter bunch of Italian parsley. Chuck that in there too.

Hit ‘em with a couple flourishes of the pepper bunny and line 'em up on a foil lined broiler pan.

Broil them for four minutes. Turn them over. Broil them for another four minutes.

If you think your children could be fooled into eating such a thing, double the recipe. If not, it’s Salmon a la Sven Holmberg and no complaining.

Damned if that pumpkin pie isn’t still hanging over my head like a butterfucking anvil.

Listen, I’d be much obliged if you’d absolve me of this crushing ain’t-posted-nearly-as-much-as-I-said-I-would guilt by making my chocolate bottomed pumpkin pie for Christmas. Just think, if you like the recipe, you can make it again come Thanksgiving.

Anyhoo, today, you’re getting a bonus recipe. Think of it as a tagless Christmakkwaanzukkas treat wrapped in a metaphorical dishtowel and a whole slew of high calorie New Year’s Resolutions*.

Chocolate Bottomed Pumpkin Pie

Buy a can of Libby’s Canned Pumpkin.

Make a homemade pie crust.

Follow the pumpkin pie recipe on the back to the letter except where it calls for evaporated milk, substitute sweetened condensed milk, preferably Longevity Brand. (It has the best label and any excuse for a trip to Chinatown…)

Scatter a generous handful of bittersweet chocolate chips over the piecrust before pouring in the pumpkin mixture.

Bake according to corporate standards.

* I resolve to be a more faithful blogger starting in January, when I will again find myself with time on my hands in some parental holding pen whilst the children participate in officially enriching after-school activities.

Also to write a novel, play the accordion, and polish off the children’s Halloween candy before 2008.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Lord in heaven, I haven't stepped inside a McDonald's in 20 years.

Could I politely enquire when you may showcase your vegetarian skills?


10:57 PM  
Blogger Ayun Halliday said...

Coincidentally, I was just reading about my friend, taking his pregnant then-girlfriend (now-wife) to the Pompeii McDonalds - he had not darkened in the arches in 15 years - because it was the only place open during siesta and the woman needed some non-gelato, non-biscotti type food stat. Except, she announced it by stating, " I need to eat something's flesh NOW!"

Anyhoo, you got it, Rabbit Girl. I had a pesto stuffed porkchop ready to go, but I will showcase my recently compromised vegetarian skills w/ some zucchini muffins and the side dish you see pictured next to the Monkfish Nugs on the next post.

Stay tuned!

12:40 PM  
Blogger Alejandra Ramos said...

I love the "Longevity" condensed milk! I want to try and find that. I love going slightly out of the way to buy the weird off-brand products. My current obsession is imported Thai coconut milks. The 99cent stores around me all have these crazy wonderful brands.

11:37 PM  
Blogger peevish said...

Hey, what about that resolution?

I'm totally gonna try that pie recipe. It sounds delish, aeven though I not sure I want to live longer.

Or maybe that's just the My-Day-To-Help-Out-At-The-Coop-Preschool talking.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Aaliyah said...

i just happened across your sight while looking for a cookie recipe, curious by the title of your post i wandered in and now my side hurts from laughter. i got even more daring when i started to click all sorts of links to things you have done and now, i am about to order your books, sign up for the newletters and whatever else i might be able to attach my e-mail address too. you truly have made light of life in general and it has come at a good time in my life. these black clouds seem to be following me around as if i was a cartoon sketch or something. anyhow, thank you thank you thank you for being who you are!

aaliyah (your new fan)

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... youve stopped posting?...

i keep coming back thinking ill find something new...

i did enjoy this blog so much...

sorry youre gone..


6:16 PM  
Blogger Lone Star Ma said...

Dude - is that Milo? I gotta renew my subscription! Libby's is Nestle and Nestle is evil, by the way. Get store brand canned pumpkin.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous uncle egg said...

I dip my monkfish nuggets in yogurt seasoned with curry powder then in bread crumbs. Put them on a greased cookie sheet and pop them under the broiler for a couplel of minutes on each side. then lower oven to 350 and bake until firm and cooked through.

They're a littel messy, but really tasty.

Uncle Egg

9:23 AM  
Blogger Damaris @Kitchen Corners said...

my 3 year old would love this recipe, maybe.

glad I stumbled upon your blog.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Term Papers said...

It sounds delish, aeven though I not sure I want to live longer.i just happened across your sight while looking for a cookie recipe.

3:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i really love your own posting taste, very useful,
don't quit as well as keep posting seeing that it simply just very well worth to read it.
looking forward to read even more of your current content, kind regards ;)

11:35 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Better yet, smash up a couple of Heath Bars and throw them over the top of that pie after it comes out of the oven.

6:29 PM  
Anonymous cheese recipe said...

Yah it sounds really interesting but still sounds yummy.!

5:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post! I’m looking to make some changes in my own eating habits and learning to cook, so I appreciate your insight a lot! Thank you. I recently stumbled upon this blog like I did yours and I thought your readers may appreciate it:

I’ve started to look for blog help more regularly and I think I’m going to add your blog to my list as well. Thanks for the post!


2:40 PM  

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